Once upon a time in October 2006, Xtine needed a sexy Halloween costume for a friend’s Birthday/Halloween Party. Since 2003 this friend had inspired Xtine to dress up and celebrate and embrace Halloween, something the formally conservative young lady had not done until 2003.
Xtine rummaged through her closet and pulled out a vintage power suit with padded shoulders and a pretty red, white and blue floral pattern. She thought, “Hmmm… I could wear this and go as a flight attendant.”
But the young lady was not pleased with her decision. Sexy flight attendant was so unoriginal! For days she meditated on this suit, tossed in her sleep, trying it on, trying it off, ready to give up on it – discouraged, distraught, dissatisfied.
Then while reading the newspaper, getting all worked up about the upcoming election, she had an epiphany: Michele Bachmann! Mrs. Bachmann was running on an anti-gay, anti-tax, anti-public education platform. Xtine found the following quotation inspirational from one of many articles that described a video of the politician campaigning in church.
In the video, Bachmann, a well-known opponent of gay marriage and of abortion, is shown talking about how her faith has guided her life, showing her where she should go to college, which is where she met her husband.
"It wasn't a big romantic surge that led us to each other," she said. "It was His Word."
She said she had a vision of "marrying this man, in the valley where his parents have a farm in western Wisconsin."
Bachmann said God led her to law school. Then her husband suggested she get a post-doctorate degree in tax law.
"Tax law? I hate taxes," she said. "Why should I go and do something like that? But the Lord says: 'Be submissive, wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands.'-"
She said God also called on her to run for the state Senate and then for Congress.
(Kevin Diaz, Rob Hotakainen, and Staff Writers. "Videos, Internet recalibrate campaigns; In Minnesota, bloggers are targeting Michele Bachmann, posting a clip of remarks she made at a church Sunday :[METRO Edition]. " Star Tribune. 19 Oct. 2006, ProQuest Newsstand, ProQuest. Web. 7 Nov. 2010)
Liberal Minnesotans were getting grumpy about her campaigning in Church, but Xtine couldn’t help notice the source: Michele Bachmann’s husband. Essentially, Bachmann’s ENTIRE career was based on not just special messages from God – but her being submissive to her husband.
This woman meant business - pure fucked-up fundamentalist hypocritical business!
So Michele Bachmann attended that Halloween/Birthday Party in 2006. Because the birthday celebrated an amazing & wonderful sex-positive girlfriend, a hot, straight male stripper was hired and an extra special cake ordered. It was the year of a mangled Siegfried and Roy, pirates and their lasses, a naughty and nice fairy and an award-winning Snoop Dogg in a rooster costume.
Life was good – and Xtine stayed in Michele Bachmann character as much as possible – even when her constituents slapped her ass. With a firm handshake and eye contact Xtine introduced herself as Michele Bachmann and explained “A vote for me is a vote for Jesus!” She flashed a smile and represented the GOP (God’s Ordained Politicians) Platform as best she could. After all, you can take the girl out of the GOP, but you can’t take the GOP out of the girl. Xtine/Michele explained how she had come upon this good luck of running for office – via a special message from God through her husband… and thumped her campaign button that read “Husbands Know Best!”... Doing what God called her to do ... Through Her Husband.
Just to be clear, Xtine didn’t look like a hot soccer mom or even a MILF – the terms used to dismiss Michele at the time. Michele and Xtine share few characteristics other than brunette hair, the ability to whip out charisma on demand and a strong foundation in GOP and evangelical fundamental quackery.
But Michele got a little out of hand that night. And now’s the time to share what evidence I do have. There are no pics of the hot, straight male stripper dry-humping Michele Bachmann while he lifted her in his strong dancer-body arms. There are numerous eye-witnesses – but no pics allowed. We were classy like that.
However, there is a picture of Michele Bachmann about to perform fellatio on a giant, erect penis… and from the looks of it I believe she’s dealing with a fire-crotch.
Yes – there is a picture and before all ya’ll get too excited – there also are tiered platters of sugary treats blocking the full view. This was right before digital cameras and 100 shots of one banana. I cropped the picture to zoom in on the main event… which again is Michele Bachmann going down a massive cock in October of 2006.
A massive cock-cake. After all - what is a degree at Oral Roberts good for you if don't know how to blow a cake cock or two?
Michele was so popular with the crowds that night that she was invited to show up at another weekend party. Xtine went to her tip-whore job as Michele and many people thought from a distance she was just doing the sexy flight attendant-secretary bit. Up close – people in the know FREAKED OUT!
It was then that Xtine realized how frightened people were of Bachmann on one of the most liberal corners in the most liberal city in one of the most liberal states in the USA. All night – at work, at the party – people voiced their anger and frustration – pissed off that Bachmann thought people would take her seriously, pissed off that Bachmann and her husband supported programs that “fixed” homosexuality. The fear and anger directed toward Michele was palpable. The assassin hired to take Bachmann down refused to talk with Xtine. This could be the end of Minnesota as we know it!
That night Xtine realized:
1. Halloween is AWESOME! – because it helps people name and face their fears;
2. Michele Bachmann was not being taken seriously enough – many people felt she was a harmless Bible-Thumper who would affect only the lives of the people in her district;
3. Many people oversimplified the depth and detail and power of the Christian Conservatives – and that made Xtine mad.
For over a year, Xtine tossed and turned in her sleep over this. She was getting used to being treated as a little bit of a circus freak. She became the go-to person when questions about Conservative Christianity came up. People asked her to go watch "Jesus Camp" with them in the theater – so they could Watch Her Reaction.
And then one night Hot-for-Jesus Former Fundie happened. At the time, a blog seemed like a good way flesh out her Library Science grad school application. She brainstormed titles: “Former Fundamentalist” - boring and taken; “Female Former Fundie” – not taken but still boring.
Then she thought of how Jesus’ sexy rock-star status made all the Christian girls hot for Him and all the Christian guys confused and want to emulate Him. Hot-for-Jesus popped up under her fingertips so she googled it. Nope – no other blogs titled Hot for Jesus, but the Michele Bachmann video popped up… which Xtine couldn’t watch because of dial-up connection.
Xtine can testify that she too was Hot-For-Jesus – both in the scriptural context Michele presents (Revelations 3:14-16) and in the context provided by the secular sex-addled world. Christine was on Fire for Christ. Christine Loved Jesus almost as much as Jesus loved Christine.
Dear Michele Bachmann – Thank you for winning/buying three elections to represent Minnesota’s 6th District in Congress. You will not leave me, nor will you forsake me. Thank You for sparking the flame to testify about what it is like to be you – on fire for Christ – HOT and not cold and sure as fuck not lukewarm. I am determined to let the world know that you mean business. It sucks that so many have dismissed you because of your MILF status or your Oral Roberts background. We Hot-For-Jesus ladies will not be dismissed. I will continue to do my best to balance your ongoing craziness by explaining my former craziness.
And thus – my 3rd Anniversary Post for Hot-for-Jesus Former Fundie.
Next up? As Hot-Librarian school allows – I have a working draft of my conversion – my born-again experience -- the story that needs to be told before any other bitching and moaning goes on around these parts.
MORE BACHMANN VIDEOS recommended by Ken Avidor:
Avidor's YouTube Channel
MNPOLITICS YouTube Channel
Bachmann on blip.tv
Dump Michele Bachmann blog