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Sunday, March 25, 2012

3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off: Beards, beards everywhere but barely a Jesus to wink at

We ex-fundagelicals sometimes have to force ourselves to NOT read into things… and to NOT take life too seriously.  In the spirit of trying really hard to NOT give a fuck about the fucked up state of the United States… this is a follow-up to the skin-deep post regarding Jesus-Hotness and Jesus-Beards from earlier this month. 

OR to put it bluntly… I attended the 3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off!

The 3rd Annual Beard-Off was held at First Avenue in Minneapolis.  I haven’t been to the "Purple Rain" sound stage since the early 2000s, soon after I dumped Jesus. 

Quick Hot4Jesus Back-story: Ironically, the first time I visited the den of iniquity (First Avenue) was back in the late ‘90s… with a member of my JC Posse from southern Minnesota… one of those former fundamentalists who had survived some extreme Christian Fundamentalist bullshit yet, like me, still Very Much Believed (yes, a preacher’s son who still believed).  One way we JC Posse kids self-medicated our fundagelical pasts, while still being very active in the gospel-preaching circles, was to listen to “rock & roll,” jam in the basement between practicing worship-team songs… and go to concerts such as the HardCore, MegaRocker, BabyKilling Ben Folds Five. Or Sonia Dada.

Yes.  My first experience with 1st Ave was with a preacher’s son at a Ben Folds Five show.  I secretly preferred thrasher and metal music, but that’s another story. 

Every time I set foot in or near First Avenue I think about those first trips to sweaty "rock" concerts in the heart of a Sinful City… which is also one reason why I don’t set foot in there too often.  It is a time machine.  Sometimes I don’t like visiting the past.

BUT I suffer for my art.

What got me back into First Avenue after years away? Jesus. Duh.

The 3rd Annual Minnesota Beard-Off last night was the first time I’ve been there for a non-music related shin-dig.  No dancing.  No singing along to lyrics.  No head-banging.  Just a room brimming with male testosterone in a throw-down, shout-down contest for who had the best beard in Minnesota.

There were a ton of Distractions… none, except maybe one Distraction, that made it into the final round, imo.  That’s why it is so helpful to have a niche-blog hobby like Hot4Jesus that keeps my sights set on my Biblical Ideals.  There were well over a hundred male and female beards to peruse, but Jesus is the Only One for whom I have eyes.

And in a room full of competitive beards, only three are making it onto this blog… by name and description only. 

The Categories of beards fell into 1. Partial Beards 2. Mustaches 3. Freestyle Category (girls and dogs and other circus freaks) 4. Full Beards.

I'm resisting a strong temptation to talk about the Mustache Category.  The Full Beard Category is where all three of my Hot4Jesus contestants contested.

     1. Jordan OR Blonde-Nordic-esque Jesus.  At the beginning of the show, one of the judges inferred that sandals on a bearded guy might detract from the beard score.  Jordan wore sandals… proudly… and rightfully pointed out that ‘If sandals were good enough for Jesus, they are good enough for me (Jordan).’ 

Amen, Brother.  He was the first and ONLY contestant to reference our Dear Lord and Savior.  You might ask… how could a Beard contest go so long  into the final Full Beard category without a JC reference?!  Perhaps because Jordan also was the first contestant that could handle the Hot Jesus look. 

One thing blatantly clear to me last night was that in a room full of beards, you will be lucky to have the Jesus-Look represented. 

Lumberjacks? Plenty. 
ZZ Top? Yes. 
Left-Over Hippies? I’m afraid so. 
Sons of Left-Over Hippies? Yep.
Dead Presidents? Yes.
Santa Claus? Yes. 
Charles Dickens? Yes. 
Charles Dickens’ Characters? Too Many to Mention.
Steam-Punkers? Whatever.
Moses? Yes.
Bearded Ladies? Of Course.

Jesus?  It’s a look that a lot of guys either can’t pull off, or are afraid to pull off.

And after we (Jordan & Kyle & I) talked, they might freak out and shave immediately.  But life is too short for a girl to not creep out a guy every now and then with her Hot4Jesus schtick.
Jordan represented the Golden-Boy Jesus and did it well. He was a cross between our favorite H&M JesusMale-Model and Head of Christ painting by Ron Marsh.  Thanks Jordan for being such a great sport and for spreading the Sandaled Jesus Love!

2. Kyle OR Brunette Piercing-Eyes Jesus.  I don’t know what to tell you about Kyle, because, well, we barely know each other … only a first name basis… which can be kind of hot… but point being, when Kyle came on stage he reached up and unleashed his gorgeous brunette shoulder-length locks and… I fainted.

Just kidding.  I just screamed.  My vocal chords hate me today.

Funny Story: this is similar to what happens when I let loose my luxurious brunette locks. It's always a little embarrassing to see men faint and hear them scream.

Tall with great bone-structure, poise and longing-looks, Kyle represented the Jesus-look that makes you feel at peace AND sinful at the same time.  In other words… you feel at peace about sinning.

They say that God is a merciful God, but when Jesus looks like Kyle and Kyle looks like Jesus… that's not mercy.  That's just God being a tease.

What more can I say about Kyle?  Nothing.  Like I said… I don’t know him.  Congratulations on a Male-Model Bearded Jesus-look well-done!  It’s all in the eyes, and the hair, and the nice teeth.

Yes, Jesus had great teeth.

     3. Frank OR Charles Darwin-Look-Alike.  Frank is the only contestant mentioned here that I did not talk to directly.  He also earned the Crowd Favorite Award.  He wore a shirt with Darwin on it to help those Evolution-Challenged audience members make the connection between himself and Jesus’ greatest arch-nemesis.  He deserves to be mentioned here because of his Darwin-look… and because something he said when accepting his Crowd Favorite Award (as a long-lost-sorta-related-descendent) “… and remember Uncle Charlie.” 

Former fundagelicals here who grew up on Uncle Charlie’s Children’s Bible Hour… you know who I’m talking about.  I’m taking Frank’s acceptance speech out of context, but it can be our own little inside joke for those of us who would rather NOT remember Uncle Charlie. 

And I mentioned that Frank was the spitting image of evil-incarnate/Charles Darwin, right?

Okay boys and girls.  I’ve had about enough beard talk as I can handle for one weekend.  I could critique the judge’s final selections until the cows come home, but instead, here’s a little secret: I’ve never “dated” a Jesus-look alike… nor do I have any desire to.  I’d make an exception for a red-headed Jesus … but only if he can hold a decent conversation.  And buy his own beer.

PICS of SOME of the Contestants (includes Darwin and one or two hunks not mentioned here... though plenty hunks are not represented) Twin Cities Metro Magazine: Minnesota Beard-Off at First Avenue .

For those of you craving more substance around here… great minds think alike.  Keep checking back.


Anonymous said...

Mmm Kyle sounds delicious!!

Christine Vyrnon said...

Anonymous: Quite! His name now links to one photo taken of him that night. And though the photo is good, meeting Jesus/Kyle in the Flesh is an extraordinary experience beyond the realms of this two dimensional description.