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Sunday, March 11, 2012

swing batter batter swing: Game's On between Baby Jesus and Adult Bearded Jesus

I don't know shit about baseball... or any competitive sport for that matter.  I'm blissfully clueless about nonprofessional and professional sports.  However, I live in a city that has numerous professional sports teams that wreak havoc on the local taxpayers' pocket, a city that is debating whether or not to subsidize a new NFL stadium for the Vikings, arguing about how much money to sink into renovations for the NBA Timberwolves Target Center, and a city proud of the new outdoor Target Field for the MLB Twins. 

And though I don't want to give a shit about baseball, or other competitive national league sports, I sometimes have opinions that veer off into rants about how local public schools and other public institutions have to FIGHT to get shrinking funds and that teachers should be making CEO/professional sports players' salaries.  So I'm biased... as a musician's daughter and as a "teacher"... and as someone who usually only pays attention to sports to humor whomever I might be messing around with.

But it's spring... and at Hot4Jesus that means a number of things.  #1) Ya'll due some shallow, noncontroversial Jesus eye-candy.  I normally go the male model route, but for the first time on Hot4Jesus... the Jesus Look-Alike Eye Candy is represented by an athlete.  #2) We're headed into the beard-free season up north ... so there is the need for one last beard celebration before they all disappear.

So in my best jock-mocking voice (think a cross between Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger)... LET'S DO THIS!

First pic. I took this photo in a parking lot in downtown Minneapolis almost two years ago.  These clean-shaven, buff, young professional dudes in Twins gear were hanging out next to an open car trunk full of beer... and I spotted Our Lord's Name from half a block away and made a beeline for the groupies.  I told them I wanted/needed a picture of this guy's uniform... and also told them that I might post it online in a satirical blog about Jesus.  They all thought it was cool that I blogged satirically about Jesus.  Score 1 point for rebel jocks.  Though I didn't get names, the owner of the broad shoulders said it was totally fine if I posted this pic online.  It was the end of the season, and I forgot about it... until now. 
Baby Jesus' Minnesota Twins Jersey, circa 2010
Baby Jesus plays for the Minnesota Twins.  Since we have God on our side, maybe they'll win another World Series once Baby Jesus grows up to be a man. Lord knows it's been too long.

Second and third picsJayson Werth.
Jesus chooses his bats based on how well they match his shades.

The Son of God scoffs at your suggestion that his head needs protection from your curve balls.

I know nothing about Jayson whatsoever other than his uniforms suggest he has played for the Philadelphia Phillies and the Washington Nationals.  Further close observation suggests that he totally pulls off the HotJesus bearded look... but also that he is of the genre of bearded men that look better with a beard than without a beard.  But let's not worry about his non-bearded look.  I wonder how people would feel about him treating baseball the way Tim Tebow treats football.  That would seriously mess with people's heads... if he tebowed every time he didn't strike out.

Finally... links for people interested in the topic of Beards. As a bit of a beard connoisseur myself, I mainly specialize in sexy beards of the Jesus flavor. If you're local, you need to check out an upcoming annual event for bearded men, and women, and bearded men lovers...  The Minnesota Beard-Off.  This year's Beard-Off falls on Saturday, March 24th at 1st Ave in Minneapolis.  I might be in the crowd... I might not.  From the looks of it I am (platonically) acquainted with a few of the past contestants.  I've meant to go both previous years... but this hooker too often works weekends.  Nevermind my social life.  Go if you can!!!  If you can't, here is a consolation beard blog for you : Build-A-Beard: scouting beards since 2009.  It's a no-brainer that I need to get on the panel of judges for next year's Minnesota Beard-Off.


I don't know about you... but I feel I've done justice to the skin-deep winks at professional Jesus-look-alike athletes and Jesus-esque beards... enough so that I'll feel less guilty about future posts that wallow in the mud-wrestling pit of my favorite competitive sport... Misogynistic American Politics.


krissthesexyatheist said...

Although I can't name any off the top of my head...there must be a lot of millionaire, hunky, international Jesus-ie (the plural of Jesus) on the ATP (pro tennis).

And in other news...I ditched the ruff tuff scruffy face look for the baby face "Kriss, OMG you look ten years younger" look (still have waist length hair and am still a drity stinky hippie-no worries)...but I miss my hairy face.


krissthesexyatheist said...

I meant Jesus-eye (plural)

Christine Vyrnon said...

Thanks for the tennis tip, Kriss. I do prefer sports that showcase individual talent over team/herd mentality. I would say I miss your hairy face too... but I've never seen it. All we have to work with online are your abs. Pretty sure Jesus had nice abs too.