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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Diogo Morgado as Jesus: Meh.

I’m contractually obligated to say something about the new History Channel/A&E/Disney show The Bible.

Honestly? I’m watching the Netflix Shakespearean drama House of Cards and find it far more titillating than the so-called #HotJesus trend that the actor, What'sHisButt... Diogo Morgado, is creating on Twitter.

The Bible viewers who think Diogo Morgado represents Jesus Hotness are wrong.  

Plain and Simple. He is not hot.  

I know.   

This latest Jesus specimen is mediocre at best. No need to argue.  This is my field of expertise.  They/Disney/History Channel really dropped the ball, imo, when they cast So and So as Jesus.  

Don't believe me?  Does This Look Like A Hot Jesus???

No. I thought so.  This actor is Brendan Fraser waiting to happen.  End of story.

You want to fight?!  Okay... so there are pics to be found where Diogo pulls off the Emotionally Tortured Bearded Man look quite well.  But then there are pics of him, once again, looking like this.

Go ahead.  Tell me I'm shallow.  I'm well aware that not everyone can pull off the gaunt, tortured soul look.  Point being, Diogo is just way too.... cheeky ?  for this role.

His nose... sure.  Okay.  Maybe.

I'll even give you the upper lids of his eyes and parts of his brow...  But as a whole package, I'm not buying it.  I'd rather watch nothing but a Pack of Cards... I mean a House of Cards.

My fight-picking skills are a bit underdeveloped.  If you'd care to argue about it, we can pretend to give a shit in the comments below.

I do have some deeper rumination about this #HotJesus Bible bit.  Mainly… sometimes we forget that Hollywood actors are mere thespians, and thespians are people who weigh the pros and cons of taking a part, and of when/what/how to audition.  I often wonder what goes through the head of actors auditioning for Jesus.  Of course, not only do all of them have a special relationship with God and the Character, in this case Jesus fucking Christ, but it probably involves a multitude of additional head games where they find themselves asking God to bless the audition.  

 Let’s listen in, shall we?

Dear Heavenly Father, You have blessed me with marvelous talents and You have called me to be a Light unto the world, particularly among the often unholy studios of Hollywood.  You have blessed me, and I desire to use my talents for Your Glory.  Please, may the Holy Spirit speak through me, and may your Son’s face shine upon me during today’s audition for the part of Jesus Christ.  I desire not only to be a witness for you, Lord, helping light the path to the foot of The Cross, but I also desire to most accurately represent the Word of God Made Flesh in the artistic choices I need to make; artistic choices regarding the best way to depart to your followers how Jesus moved his long flowing locks from his face when confronted with gusts of wind from the desert, how he managed his robes when squatting to heal the sick, and how to look intently upon the face of attractive actresses playing whores, and the like, without showing the desire, the human desire, within my facial expressions (for I am only human, a man blessed with manly desires, ThankYouJesus).  May my face be a face that does not show lust, or incite lust, in the hearts of the viewers, and may you bless this screen test and audition.  Not my will, but Thine be done.

What kind of prayers and head games do you think thespians need to pray/play when auditioning for the Ultimate Role of #HotJesus?????? Share with the class, please.

Btw: to those English/Latin majors out there. Is it just me, or does Morgado suggest.... Death???!!!


Anjanette said...

Haha. Jesus-types don't do it for me but even I can see where you are coming from on this important issue. And I've been meaning to start watching the new House of Cards but haven't - I should.

Christine Vyrnon said...

Hey, Anjanette! Jesus-types don't always do it for me, either... but that is our little secret. Yes. You should watch the Spacey/American House of Cards. I feel like I should watch the British version and/or read the books... or just fucking pull out the Complete Works of Shakespeare... and not have to watch or read anything "new" for a year or two or three.

Anonymous said...

Too much?

Christine Vyrnon said...

Dude. You just let everyone, including me, know your name... so, question remains... Too much? As in TMI, or too much hair, or too much cleavage?

Btw, thanks for sharing with the class!

Anonymous said...

My name is no secret. My cleavage, on the other hand, is a different story altogether...

Christine Vyrnon said...

Ooops. I accidently deleted my comment between the last two comments, making anonymous look full of himself... ha!!

Unintentional, yet effective.

Anonymous said...

It's actually quite accurate. I stare at my cleavage every chance I get, hairy valley of paradise that it is.